I spent a good amount of time setting up my blog and rewriting my first post and then editing and editing again. Pretty soon it will be perfect. And then I will go arrange my soup cans alphabetically. Nah. Just kidding. I think. Why do people do that? Should I do that? Do you do that by brand name, or do you start the alphabetizing all over with each brand? How do you decide which shelf to put them on? Left to right, up to down? Or is that too left-brainy? Wouldn't it look prettier by color? Hmm...now we are talking!
I kid. I'm not that OCD. Just mildly. Well maybe moderately. How do I get off this topic?
I spent a whole day following my calorie plan. I even came in under my calorie budget! I weighed in this morning and am down two tenths of one pound. Celebrate! Should I be weighing daily? Maybe not. Why do I do that? Could it be my OCD tendency? Do I care? Why should I care? Then again why should I not care? Shall I make a list of pros and cons? Am I driving you crazy? Am I crazy? STOP the madness.
Seriously though, I have found daily weighing to at least keep me grounded in reality. Although it is interesting how you can get to the point where you see the pounds climbing daily and can keep telling yourself that you MUST start losing weight for a ridiculous number of days. And still be mildly surprised that the weight is not magically inching downward. And it is amazing how easy it is to say to yourself...well, maybe tomorrow I'll start a new eating plan. Or after this event, or after that weekend. Maybe I was not as grounded in reality as I like to think? Ya think? Of course I have not been grounded in reality. I have been grounded in Creative Overthinking and Carefully Constructed Willful Ignorance.
I read a comment somewhere that has resounded in my mind over and over in recent weeks. It was something like this..."you are not fat, you HAVE fat". It is a new thought that I am trying to program into my mind. To identify yourself as fat or even as a fat person is programming yourself with a lie, or at best a twisting of reality. I am not fat. I have fat that I'd like to lose, but it is not me. It is flesh. It reflects a period of years of bad choices, and emotional eating, but it is not my identity, who I am or who I am meant to be. My body is my earthly habitation, and I can work to make it a comfortable one or not...but it is still only an outward shell for who I really am. The person God created and interacts with is not simply my physical self, it is also the inner me. My physical body is a combined result of God's original gift coupled with the sum total of my reactions to the material and spiritual world around and within me. As a Christian, I believe that Jesus is to be Lord of all...yet my body unfortunately does reflect the years of choosing my own way. Thank God there is grace and forgiveness. Otherwise I might be tempted to believe I should just give up. He continually whispers a reality check if I open my ears to listen.
Speaking of comfortable or not. I wore a pair of pants yesterday to substitute teach in that I have not tried on for a few months. When I first put them on it didn't feel too bad. A little snug maybe, but I figured it would hold in the extra girth in a more flattering silhouette than another choice. (Exhibit A: Carefully Constructed Willful Ignorance) An hour or so later I felt like my organs were being pressed upward into my rib cage. The waist band cut into my middle like a vise, and I felt like 3 pounds of sugar packed into a two pound sack. Definitely not comfortable. And reason number 281 for getting some weight off. I used to want to lose weight only so I would look good. That was back when I was slim enough not be be really physically uncomfortable. And though I don't deny the desire to look my best...my motivation right now is to feel comfortable in my skin and in my body. I remember feeling light and "bendable". I can still bend, but it ain't pretty or comfortable.
So, I march onward, in the attempt to remove the Carefully Constructed Willful Ignorance and exchange it with reality. Real reality. Really real reality. Ok. You get the idea, right?
